Phrases are so highly effective and so are photos. That’s why photographer Melanie Paterak mixed the 2 in her now-viral portrait sequence, “Constructive Phrases.”
In a sequence of beautiful pictures, Paterak exhibits moms who’ve suffered a loss holding a chalkboard with the worst and greatest issues individuals stated to them within the wake of being pregnant and toddler loss.
“We titled this venture ‘Constructive Phrases’ in hopes of not solely placing on the market what caught with us in a damaging method, however what caught with us in giving us hope. The photographs in colour characterize issues stated that gave us hope within the darkest days,” she explains, whereas the black and white photos characterize feedback that pushed grieving mothers additional into the darkness.
“She’s in a greater place”
“I would like individuals to see that we utterly perceive that in a time of loss, individuals are typically undecided what to say. Typically you may have the very best of intentions, however while you’re hurting, issues could also be interpreted otherwise than the way you meant them,” Paterak tells Mom.ly.
In a single picture a girl holds a chalkboard with the phrases, “She’s in a greater place,” adopted by her personal thought when she heard that remark: “Was I not ok?”
The sequence reminds us that generally well-meaning feedback can do extra hurt than good.
So how can we be extra conscious when making an attempt to consolation somebody who has suffered a loss? Paterak’s members recommend specializing in the current and the optimistic.
“I would like individuals to see that we utterly perceive that in a time of loss, individuals are typically undecided what to say. Typically you may have the very best of intentions, however while you’re hurting, issues could also be interpreted otherwise than the way you meant them,” Paterak explains.
“She is gorgeous”
The identical participant who was advised her child was in a greater place was additionally advised that her stillborn child was lovely and that was the remark she held onto.
It was in regards to the current second, not about making an attempt once more, and it centered on her child in a optimistic method. By paying her child a praise the one that uttered the phrases on this chalkboard helped this mom maintain onto her optimistic reminiscence of her child lady, who she carried for 36 weeks and three days and who was good.
Paterak is happy with the venture and the ladies who participated in it. This photoshoot nearly didn’t even occur, she tells Motherly. “We began planning this venture a month or so earlier than capturing it, after which a lot of the ladies canceled lower than 48 hours earlier than we have been set to shoot. I posted to my Portraits By Melanie [Facebook} page with 24 hours to go that we needed women to come, and they did! I met many of them for the first time that day. It was a powerful thing. We cried together, we hugged, and we talked about our experiences of loss.”
Her advice to anyone who wants to offer kind words to someone going through pregnancy or infant loss: “Sometimes a simple ‘I’m here for you’ is just best.”
More portraits from “Positive Words” by Melanie Paterak
“At least you’re still young…you can try again,” someone told this mother. Being told that they could “try again” was common for the participants in the project, and most found that comment was not comforting, but dismissive of their very real feelings of loss.
More portraits from “Positive Words” by Melanie Paterak
“At least” was another common phrase participants heard after their losses. “At least you didn’t get to know her,” “At least you weren’t that pregnant.”
While those who offered these comments to grieving moms meant to help them, the words had the opposite impact by comparing their grief to others’. Grief is individual, it’s not a contest.
More portraits from “Positive Words” by Melanie Paterak
The mothers in Paterak’s project agreed that the kindest words were often the ones that reminded them they had support in their corner.
More portraits from “Positive Words” by Melanie Paterak
Sometimes a simple “I’m here for you” is the most powerful comment a person can make to a grieving parent.
To see the full project visit Portraits by Melanie on Facebook.
[This story was originally published on September 16, 2019.]
